cicd-chaos/scripts/chaos-engine.sh

#!/bin/bash

# CI/CD Chaos Engine - The heart of the over-engineered pipeline
# This script orchestrates the chaos while maintaining professional standards

set -euo pipefail

# Configuration
CHAOS_LEVEL=${CI_CHAOS_LEVEL:-5}
ROAST_INTENSITY=${ROAST_INTENSITY:-7}
CELEBRATION_MODE=${CELEBRATION_MODE:-full}
DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE=${DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE:-true}

# Colors for output
RED='\033[0;31m'
GREEN='\033[0;32m'
YELLOW='\033[1;33m'
BLUE='\033[0;34m'
PURPLE='\033[0;35m'
CYAN='\033[0;36m'
NC='\033[0m' # No Color

# Helper functions
log_info() {
    echo -e "${BLUE}[INFO]${NC} $1"
}

log_success() {
    echo -e "${GREEN}[SUCCESS]${NC} $1"
}

log_warning() {
    echo -e "${YELLOW}[WARNING]${NC} $1"
}

log_error() {
    echo -e "${RED}[ERROR]${NC} $1"
}

log_chaos() {
    echo -e "${PURPLE}[CHAOS]${NC} $1"
}

# Random failure generator (with witty messages)
random_failure() {
    if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 8 ]]; then
        local FAILURE_CHANCE=$((RANDOM % 100))
        if [[ $FAILURE_CHANCE -lt 5 ]]; then
            local MESSAGES=(
                "Build failed because it's Monday"
                "System encountered cosmic radiation interference"
                "Coffee machine malfunction detected - build halted"
                "Developer detected typing without proper finger placement"
                "Build failed: Stack overflow in the 'it works on my machine' department"
                "Critical error: Developer forgot to sacrifice to the deployment gods"
                "Build aborted: Too many semicolons detected in codebase"
                "Error: System requires more cowbell"
                "Build failed: Git repository is haunted"
                "Critical: Developer used spaces instead of tabs (or vice versa)"
            )
            local RANDOM_MESSAGE=${MESSAGES[$((RANDOM % ${#MESSAGES[@]}))]}
            log_error "$RANDOM_MESSAGE"
            return 1
        fi
    fi
    return 0
}

# Developer challenge system
developer_challenge() {
    if [[ "$DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE" == "true" ]]; then
        local CHALLENGE_CHANCE=$((RANDOM % 100))
        if [[ $CHALLENGE_CHANCE -lt 5 ]]; then
            log_chaos "🎮 DEVELOPER CHALLENGE ACTIVATED!"
            log_chaos "Quick! What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
            sleep 3
            log_chaos "Time's up! The answer is 24 mph (African) or 11 mph (European)"
            log_chaos "Challenge completed (or avoided, we're not judging)"
        fi
    fi
}

# Pre-flight checks
pre-flight() {
    log_info "🛩️ Performing pre-flight validation..."

    # Check for obvious things that don't need checking
    if [[ ! -d ".git" ]]; then
        log_error "Critical: Not in a git repository (how did you get here?)"
        exit 1
    fi

    # Check for files that should exist
    local FILES_TO_CHECK=(".gitlab-ci.yml" "README.md")
    for file in "${FILES_TO_CHECK[@]}"; do
        if [[ ! -f "$file" ]]; then
            log_error "Missing critical file: $file"
            exit 1
        fi
    done

    # Perform unnecessary checks
    log_info "Checking cosmic alignment for optimal build conditions..."
    sleep 1
    log_info "Verifying developer's emotional state..."
    sleep 1
    log_info "Ensuring coffee supply is adequate..."
    sleep 1

    random_failure

    log_success "✈️ Pre-flight checks completed (with unnecessary thoroughness)"
}

# Environment validation
validate_environment() {
    log_info "🌍 Validating build environment..."

    # Check basic tools
    local REQUIRED_COMMANDS=("git" "bash" "curl")
    for cmd in "${REQUIRED_COMMANDS[@]}"; do
        if ! command -v "$cmd" &> /dev/null; then
            log_error "Missing required command: $cmd"
            exit 1
        fi
    done

    # Perform over-the-top environment checks
    log_info "Checking environment variables (including ones that don't matter)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Verifying internet connectivity (to servers we don't need)..."
    if curl -s --max-time 2 https://httpbin.org/ip > /dev/null; then
        log_success "Internet connectivity verified (and now we know your IP)"
    else
        log_warning "Internet connectivity issues (but we'll proceed anyway)"
    fi

    log_info "Checking disk space (we have plenty, but let's check anyway)..."
    df -h . | tail -1 | awk '{print "Available space: " $4}'

    developer_challenge
    random_failure

    log_success "🏔️ Environment validated (excessively)"
}

# Dependency verification
verify_dependencies() {
    log_info "📦 Verifying dependencies (triple-checking each one)..."

    # Create a list of imaginary dependencies to check
    local IMAGINARY_DEPS=("libnonsense.so" "utils-overkill" "chaos-engine" "validation-suite-pro")

    for dep in "${IMAGINARY_DEPS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Checking dependency: $dep"
        sleep 0.3
        log_info "Version compatibility check for $dep"
        sleep 0.3
        log_info "Security audit of $dep"
        sleep 0.3
        log_info "License verification for $dep"
        sleep 0.3
        log_success "✓ $dep verified (it doesn't exist, but we verified that)"
    done

    random_failure

    log_success "🎁 Dependencies verified and re-verified"
}

# Code formatting checks
format_check() {
    log_info "🎨 Checking code formatting (with excessive rules)..."

    # Check for common formatting issues
    local FORMATTING_ISSUES=0

    if find . -name "*.sh" -exec grep -l "tab" {} \; | grep -q "."; then
        log_warning "Tabs detected in shell scripts (consider spaces, or tabs, or whatever)"
        FORMATTING_ISSUES=$((FORMATTING_ISSUES + 1))
    fi

    if find . -name "*.yml" -exec grep -l "  " {} \; | grep -q "."; then
        log_warning "Multiple spaces detected in YAML files (as expected, but let's mention it)"
        FORMATTING_ISSUES=$((FORMATTING_ISSUES + 1))
    fi

    # Perform excessive formatting checks
    log_info "Checking line length (even for comments)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Verifying bracket alignment (even where brackets don't exist)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Analyzing indentation consistency (across different file types)..."
    sleep 0.5

    if [[ $FORMATTING_ISSUES -eq 0 ]]; then
        log_success "✨ Code formatted to perfection (and then some)"
    else
        log_warning "Found $FORMATTING_ISSUES formatting issues (proceeding anyway)"
    fi

    random_failure
}

# License compliance check
license_check() {
    log_info "⚖️ Checking license compliance (analyzing every line)..."

    # Check for LICENSE file
    if [[ ! -f "LICENSE" ]] && [[ ! -f "LICENSE.md" ]] && [[ ! -f "LICENSE.txt" ]]; then
        log_warning "No LICENSE file found (creating one would be responsible)"
    fi

    # Perform excessive license analysis
    log_info "Scanning for MIT license text..."
    if grep -r -i "MIT" . --include="*.md" --include="*.txt" > /dev/null 2>&1; then
        log_info "MIT license references found"
    fi

    log_info "Checking for proprietary code patterns..."
    sleep 1
    log_info "Analyzing third-party library licenses..."
    sleep 1
    log_info "Verifying copyright headers (even in files that don't need them)..."
    sleep 1

    log_success "📜 License compliance achieved through excessive scrutiny"
}

# Security scanning
security_scan() {
    log_info "🔒 Running security scans (looking for imaginary threats)..."

    # Perform mock security checks
    log_info "Scanning for hardcoded credentials (in files that don't exist)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking for SQL injection vulnerabilities (in non-database code)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Analyzing XSS vulnerabilities (in non-web code)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Verifying input validation (for inputs we don't have)..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking for insecure dependencies (that we don't use)..."
    sleep 0.5

    # Generate some false positives for entertainment
    local FALSE_POSITIVES=(
        "Potential buffer overflow in comment section"
        "Insecure cookie handling detected in README"
        "Possible path traversal in documentation"
        "Weak encryption algorithm found in ASCII art"
    )

    if [[ $ROAST_INTENSITY -ge 6 ]]; then
        local RANDOM_FP=${FALSE_POSITIVES[$((RANDOM % ${#FALSE_POSITIVES[@]}))]}
        log_warning "Security finding: $RANDOM_FP"
        log_info "This is probably a false positive, but we logged it anyway"
    fi

    log_success "🛡️ Security scan completed (found 0 vulnerabilities, created $(if [[ $ROAST_INTENSITY -ge 6 ]]; then echo "1"; else echo "0"; fi) false positives)"
}

# Performance analysis
performance_analysis() {
    log_info "⚡ Analyzing performance (of files that don't exist)..."

    # Mock performance metrics
    log_info "Measuring build time..."
    sleep 1
    log_info "Build time: 0.3 seconds (impressive for a pipeline that does nothing)"

    log_info "Analyzing memory usage..."
    log_info "Memory usage: 12KB (for this script alone)"

    log_info "Checking CPU utilization..."
    log_info "CPU usage: 0.1% (mostly sleeping)"

    log_info "Measuring disk I/O..."
    log_info "Disk I/O: Minimal (reading files, writing logs)"

    log_info "Network latency analysis..."
    log_info "Network latency: Local operations only"

    log_success "📈 Performance metrics generated with imaginary data"
}

# Quality gate validation
quality_gate() {
    log_info "🚪 Validating quality gates (with arbitrary standards)..."

    # Mock quality metrics
    local METRICS=(
        "Code coverage: 95% (of the 3 lines of actual code)"
        "Test success rate: 100% (we have no tests, so 100% of nothing passes)"
        "Code complexity: Low (the code is simple, the pipeline is complex)"
        "Documentation coverage: 100% (we have a README)"
        "Security score: 9.5/10 (we scan thoroughly)"
    )

    for metric in "${METRICS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Quality metric: $metric"
        sleep 0.3
    done

    # Randomly adjust quality gates for entertainment
    if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]]; then
        local QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT=$((RANDOM % 3))
        case $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT in
            0)
                log_warning "Quality gates slightly lowered (because we felt like it)"
                ;;
            1)
                log_info "Quality gates maintained at strict levels (because we're professionals)"
                ;;
            2)
                log_chaos "Quality gates raised to impossible levels (good luck meeting them)"
                ;;
        esac
    fi

    log_success "🎯 Quality gates passed (after $(if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]] && [[ $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT -eq 0 ]]; then echo "lowering "; elif [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]] && [[ $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT -eq 2 ]]; then echo "raising standards to meet "; fi)standards)"
}

# Readiness check
readiness_check() {
    log_info "📋 Performing readiness assessment..."

    # Check various readiness factors
    local READINESS_CHECKS=(
        "Development team readiness"
        "Infrastructure capacity"
        "Monitoring system availability"
        "Rollback procedure verification"
        "Stakeholder communication"
        "Coffee supply verification"
        "Emergency contact list"
        "Backup internet connection"
        "Deployment checklist completion"
        "Psychological readiness for deployment"
    )

    for check in "${READINESS_CHECKS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Checking: $check"
        sleep 0.2
        log_success "✓ $check: Ready (probably)"
    done

    developer_challenge
    random_failure

    log_success "✅ System declared ready (whether it is or not)"
}

# Build preparation
build_prep() {
    log_info "🔧 Preparing build environment (overly prepared)..."

    # Create build directories
    mkdir -p build artifacts reports

    # Prepare build artifacts
    log_info "Setting up build cache..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring build environment variables..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Initializing build dependencies..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Pre-compiling build tools..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Validating build configuration..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Optimizing build parameters..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_success "🎯 Build environment prepared (excessively)"
}

# Build optimization
optimize_build() {
    log_info "🔬 Optimizing compilation (optimizing the optimization)..."

    # Mock build optimization steps
    local OPTIMIZATIONS=(
        "Analyzing compilation flags"
        "Optimizing linker settings"
        "Tuning memory allocation"
        "Parallelizing build processes"
        "Caching intermediate results"
        "Optimizing include paths"
        "Tuning compiler optimizations"
        "Analyzing dependency graph"
        "Optimizing build order"
        "Implementing incremental builds"
    )

    for optimization in "${OPTIMIZATIONS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Performing: $optimization"
        sleep 0.3
    done

    # Generate some mock build artifacts
    echo "Over-optimized build artifacts" > build/optimized.txt
    echo "Build time: 0.0001 seconds (theoretical)" >> build/optimized.txt
    echo "Memory usage: 4KB (unrealistic)" >> build/optimized.txt

    log_success "🚀 Build optimized (probably made it slower)"
}

# Artifact generation
generate_artifacts() {
    log_info "📦 Generating artifacts (creating unnecessary ones)..."

    # Create various artifacts
    echo "Version: $(date +%Y%m%d-%H%M%S)" > artifacts/version.txt
    echo "Build ID: $CI_PIPELINE_ID" >> artifacts/version.txt
    echo "Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL" >> artifacts/version.txt

    # Create a build summary
    {
        echo "=== CI/CD Chaos Build Summary ==="
        echo "Pipeline ID: $CI_PIPELINE_ID"
        echo "Build Time: $(date)"
        echo "Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL"
        echo "Roast Intensity: $ROAST_INTENSITY"
        echo "Celebration Mode: $CELEBRATION_MODE"
        echo "Developer Challenge: $DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE"
        echo "Build Status: Successful (somehow)"
        echo "================================"
    } > artifacts/build-summary.txt

    # Create some imaginary artifacts
    echo "Mock application binary" > artifacts/app.bin
    echo "Configuration files" > artifacts/config.tar.gz
    echo "Documentation bundle" > artifacts/docs.zip

    log_success "🎁 Artifacts generated (including ones nobody asked for)"
}

# Quality assurance
quality_assurance() {
    log_info "🔍 Running quality assurance (finding problems where none exist)..."

    # Mock quality checks
    local QUALITY_CHECKS=(
        "Code review simulation"
        "Static code analysis"
        "Dynamic code analysis"
        "Security assessment"
        "Performance evaluation"
        "Usability testing"
        "Accessibility checking"
        "Cross-browser compatibility"
        "Mobile responsiveness"
        "SEO optimization"
    )

    for check in "${QUALITY_CHECKS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Running: $check"
        sleep 0.3
    done

    # Generate quality report
    {
        echo "Quality Assurance Report"
        echo "========================="
        echo "Overall Quality Score: 9.2/10"
        echo "Issues Found: 0 (we looked really hard)"
        echo "Recommendations: Keep doing what you're doing"
        echo "Next Review: Never (because it's perfect)"
    } > reports/quality-report.txt

    log_success "✅ Quality assured (quality level: questionable)"
}

# Integration tests
integration_tests() {
    log_info "🔗 Running integration tests (testing the tests)..."

    # Mock integration tests
    local TESTS=(
        "API Integration Tests"
        "Database Integration Tests"
        "Service Integration Tests"
        "Message Queue Integration Tests"
        "Cache Integration Tests"
        "Authentication Integration Tests"
        "Logging Integration Tests"
        "Monitoring Integration Tests"
        "External Service Integration Tests"
        "Third-party API Integration Tests"
    )

    for test in "${TESTS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Running: $test"
        sleep 0.4
        log_success "✓ $test: Passed (mocked)"
    done

    # Generate test report
    {
        echo "Integration Test Results"
        echo "======================="
        echo "Total Tests: ${#TESTS[@]}"
        echo "Passed: ${#TESTS[@]}"
        echo "Failed: 0"
        echo "Skipped: 0"
        echo "Test Coverage: 100% (of mocked tests)"
        echo "Execution Time: $((RANDOM % 5 + 1)) seconds"
    } > reports/integration-tests.xml

    log_success "🎯 Integration tests passed (eventually)"
}

# Performance benchmarking
benchmark() {
    log_info "⚡ Benchmarking performance (against imaginary standards)..."

    # Mock performance benchmarks
    local BENCHMARKS=(
        "Response Time: 50ms (theoretical)"
        "Throughput: 1000 req/s (imaginary)"
        "Memory Usage: 64MB (estimated)"
        "CPU Usage: 15% (under load)"
        "Disk I/O: 100MB/s (assumed)"
        "Network Latency: 5ms (local)"
        "Database Queries: 100ms (cached)"
        "Cache Hit Rate: 95% (optimistic)"
        "Error Rate: 0.01% (perfect)"
        "Uptime: 99.999% (five nines, baby)"
    )

    for benchmark in "${BENCHMARKS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Benchmark: $benchmark"
        sleep 0.2
    done

    # Generate benchmark report
    {
        echo "Performance Benchmark Report"
        echo "=========================="
        for benchmark in "${BENCHMARKS[@]}"; do
            echo "$benchmark"
        done
    } > reports/benchmarks.txt

    log_success "📊 Benchmarks completed (results may vary)"
}

# Security validation
security_validation() {
    log_info "🔒 Validating security (again, for good measure)..."

    # Additional security checks
    local SECURITY_CHECKS=(
        "Penetration testing simulation"
        "Vulnerability scanning"
        "Code security review"
        "Dependency security audit"
        "Configuration security check"
        "Network security validation"
        "Access control verification"
        "Data encryption validation"
        "Authentication system check"
        "Authorization system verification"
    )

    for check in "${SECURITY_CHECKS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Security check: $check"
        sleep 0.3
    done

    log_success "🛡️ Security validated (still secure, probably)"
}

# Compliance checking
compliance_check() {
    log_info "📋 Checking compliance (with made-up regulations)..."

    # Mock compliance checks
    local COMPLIANCE_STANDARDS=(
        "GDPR Compliance"
        "SOC 2 Type II"
        "ISO 27001"
        "PCI DSS"
        "HIPAA"
        "SOX"
        "FISMA"
        "NIST Cybersecurity Framework"
        "CIS Controls"
        "OWASP Top 10"
    )

    for standard in "${COMPLIANCE_STANDARDS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Checking compliance with: $standard"
        sleep 0.4
        log_success "✓ $standard: Compliant (mocked)"
    done

    log_success "✅ Compliance achieved (compliance level: fictional)"
}

# Documentation generation
generate_docs() {
    log_info "📚 Generating documentation (excessive documentation)..."

    mkdir -p docs/generated

    # Generate API documentation
    {
        echo "# API Documentation"
        echo ""
        echo "## Endpoints"
        echo "- GET /api/status - Returns system status"
        echo "- POST /api/build - Triggers build process"
        echo "- GET /api/metrics - Returns performance metrics"
        echo ""
        echo "## Authentication"
        echo "All endpoints require authentication with valid API key."
        echo ""
        echo "## Rate Limiting"
        echo "100 requests per minute per API key."
        echo ""
        echo "*Note: This API doesn't actually exist, but the documentation looks professional*"
    } > docs/generated/api-docs.md

    # Generate deployment guide
    {
        echo "# Deployment Guide"
        echo ""
        echo "## Prerequisites"
        echo "- GitLab account"
        echo "- Basic CI/CD knowledge"
        echo "- Sense of humor"
        echo ""
        echo "## Deployment Steps"
        echo "1. Push code to repository"
        echo "2. Wait for pipeline to complete"
        echo "3. Celebrate successful deployment"
        echo "4. Question your life choices"
        echo ""
        echo "## Rollback Procedure"
        echo "1. Don't worry, it's just a demo"
        echo "2. Restore from backup (if you had one)"
        echo "3. Blame someone else"
        echo ""
        echo "*Disclaimer: This is not a real deployment guide*"
    } > docs/generated/deployment-guide.md

    # Generate troubleshooting guide
    {
        echo "# Troubleshooting Guide"
        echo ""
        echo "## Common Issues"
        echo ""
        echo "### Build Failed"
        echo "**Solution**: It's probably Monday, try again tomorrow."
        echo ""
        echo "### Pipeline Too Slow"
        echo "**Solution**: That's the point! It's over-engineered!"
        echo ""
        echo "### Too Many Warnings"
        echo "**Solution**: We warned you about the warnings."
        echo ""
        echo "### Nothing Happened"
        echo "**Solution**: Perfect! The chaos worked as intended."
        echo ""
        echo "*Professional troubleshooting for professional problems*"
    } > docs/generated/troubleshooting.md

    log_success "📖 Documentation generated (nobody will read it)"
}

# Deployment preparation
deploy_prep() {
    log_info "🚀 Preparing deployment (over-preparing)..."

    # Create deployment configuration
    {
        echo "deployment:"
        echo "  environment: production"
        echo "  strategy: blue-green"
        echo "  health_check:"
        echo "    path: /health"
        echo "    timeout: 30s"
        echo "    interval: 10s"
        echo "  rollback:"
        echo "    enabled: true"
        echo "    timeout: 300s"
        echo "  monitoring:"
        echo "    enabled: true"
        echo "    metrics:"
        echo "      - response_time"
        echo "      - error_rate"
        echo "      - throughput"
    } > artifacts/deployment-config.yml

    # Create deployment checklist
    {
        echo "Deployment Checklist"
        echo "==================="
        echo "✓ Environment prepared"
        echo "✓ Configuration verified"
        echo "✓ Health checks configured"
        echo "✓ Monitoring enabled"
        echo "✓ Rollback plan tested"
        echo "✓ Team notified"
        echo "✓ Coffee available"
        echo "✓ Backup ready"
        echo "✓ Sanity check passed"
        echo "✓ Double-check completed"
    } > artifacts/deployment-checklist.txt

    log_success "🎯 Deployment prepared (excessively)"
}

# Rollback testing
rollback_test() {
    log_info "↩️ Testing rollback capabilities (hoping we don't need them)..."

    # Mock rollback testing
    log_info "Simulating deployment failure..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Initiating rollback procedure..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Restoring previous version..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Verifying rollback success..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Testing restored functionality..."
    sleep 1

    # Create rollback test report
    {
        echo "Rollback Test Results"
        echo "====================="
        echo "Test Time: $(date)"
        echo "Scenario: Deployment failure simulation"
        echo "Rollback Initiated: Yes"
        echo "Rollback Completed: Yes"
        echo "Time to Rollback: 4 seconds"
        echo "Data Loss: None (because there was no data)"
        echo "Service Downtime: Minimal (theoretical)"
        echo "Rollback Success: 100%"
    } > reports/rollback-test.txt

    log_success "🔄 Rollback tested (and tested, and tested)"
}

# Health check
health_check() {
    log_info "🏥 Verifying system health (checking vitals repeatedly)..."

    # Mock health checks
    local HEALTH_METRICS=(
        "CPU Usage: Normal (15%)"
        "Memory Usage: Healthy (60%)"
        "Disk Space: Adequate (75% free)"
        "Network Latency: Excellent (5ms)"
        "Database Connections: Stable"
        "Cache Hit Rate: Good (85%)"
        "Error Rate: Low (0.1%)"
        "Response Time: Fast (100ms)"
        "Uptime: Excellent (99.9%)"
        "Throughput: Healthy"
    )

    for metric in "${HEALTH_METRICS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Health metric: $metric"
        sleep 0.2
    done

    log_success "💖 System health verified (patient is stable)"
}

# Environment preparation
env_prep() {
    log_info "🌍 Preparing deployment environment (overly complex setup)..."

    # Mock environment preparation
    log_info "Configuring production environment..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up load balancers..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring auto-scaling..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up monitoring..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring logging..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up alerts..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring backup systems..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up disaster recovery..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_success "🏝️ Environment prepared (like a 5-star resort)"
}

# Service orchestration
orchestrate() {
    log_info "🎻 Orchestrating services (conducting an orchestra of microservices)..."

    # Mock service orchestration
    local SERVICES=(
        "api-gateway"
        "user-service"
        "product-service"
        "order-service"
        "payment-service"
        "notification-service"
        "analytics-service"
        "logging-service"
        "monitoring-service"
        "cache-service"
    )

    for service in "${SERVICES[@]}"; do
        log_info "Orchestrating service: $service"
        sleep 0.3
        log_info "Configuring $service..."
        sleep 0.2
        log_info "Scaling $service..."
        sleep 0.2
        log_info "Monitoring $service..."
        sleep 0.2
        log_success "✓ $service: Orchestrated"
    done

    log_success "🎼 Services orchestrated (beautifully, yet unnecessarily)"
}

# Load balancing
load_balance() {
    log_info "⚖️ Setting up load balancing (balancing nothing)..."

    # Mock load balancer configuration
    log_info "Configuring round-robin load balancing..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up health checks for load balancer..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring SSL termination..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up sticky sessions..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Configuring connection limits..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Setting up failover routing..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_success "🏋️ Load balanced (perfectly balanced, as all things should be)"
}

# Monitoring setup
monitoring() {
    log_info "📊 Setting up monitoring (monitoring everything, including the monitoring)..."

    # Mock monitoring setup
    local METRICS=(
        "CPU Usage"
        "Memory Usage"
        "Disk I/O"
        "Network Traffic"
        "Response Time"
        "Error Rate"
        "Throughput"
        "Queue Length"
        "Cache Hit Rate"
        "Database Connections"
        "Active Users"
        "API Calls"
        "Page Load Time"
        "Server Uptime"
        "Application Health"
        "Business Metrics"
        "User Satisfaction"
        "Developer Happiness"
        "Coffee Consumption"
        "Monitoring System Health"
    )

    for metric in "${METRICS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Setting up monitoring for: $metric"
        sleep 0.2
    done

    log_success "📈 Monitoring set up (we can now monitor how much we monitor)"
}

# Alert configuration
alerts() {
    log_info "🚨 Configuring alerts (alerting on everything)..."

    # Mock alert configuration
    local ALERTS=(
        "High CPU Usage"
        "Low Memory"
        "Disk Space Warning"
        "Network Latency"
        "High Error Rate"
        "Service Down"
        "Database Slow"
        "Cache Miss"
        "Queue Full"
        "Failed Login"
        "Payment Failed"
        "API Limit Reached"
        "SSL Certificate Expiring"
        "Backup Failed"
        "Deployment Failed"
        "Build Failed"
        "Test Failed"
        "Coffee Low"
    )

    for alert in "${ALERTS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Configuring alert for: $alert"
        sleep 0.2
    done

    log_success "📢 Alerts configured (you will be notified of everything)"
}

# Health checks setup
health_checks() {
    log_info "🏥 Setting up health checks (checking the health of health checks)..."

    # Mock health check setup
    local HEALTH_CHECK_ENDPOINTS=(
        "/health"
        "/health/database"
        "/health/cache"
        "/health/external-services"
        "/health/monitoring"
        "/health/alerts"
        "/health/backups"
        "/health/deployments"
        "/health/logging"
        "/health/security"
    )

    for endpoint in "${HEALTH_CHECK_ENDPOINTS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Setting up health check endpoint: $endpoint"
        sleep 0.3
    done

    log_success "❤️ Health checks configured (system is healthy, probably)"
}

# Performance validation
perf_validate() {
    log_info "⚡ Validating performance (validating that performance validates)..."

    # Mock performance validation
    log_info "Running performance baseline tests..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Validating response times..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking throughput metrics..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Validating resource utilization..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking scalability metrics..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Validating user experience metrics..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_success "🎯 Performance validated (performance is performing)"
}

# User acceptance testing
uat() {
    log_info "👥 Running user acceptance tests (testing with imaginary users)..."

    # Mock UAT scenarios
    local UAT_SCENARIOS=(
        "User Registration Flow"
        "Login Authentication"
        "Product Browsing"
        "Shopping Cart Functionality"
        "Checkout Process"
        "Payment Processing"
        "Order History"
        "Profile Management"
        "Search Functionality"
        "Mobile Responsiveness"
    )

    for scenario in "${UAT_SCENARIOS[@]}"; do
        log_info "Testing scenario: $scenario"
        sleep 0.4
        log_success "✓ $scenario: Passed (user satisfaction: 95%)"
    done

    log_success "✅ UAT completed (users were satisfied, allegedly)"
}

# Production deployment
deploy_prod() {
    log_info "🚀 Deploying to production (with excessive ceremony)..."

    # Mock deployment process
    log_info "Starting deployment sequence..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Running pre-deployment checks..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Deploying to blue environment..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Running post-deployment validation..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Switching traffic to new environment..."
    sleep 1

    log_info "Monitoring deployment health..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Deployment successful!"

    # Create deployment record
    {
        echo "Deployment Record"
        echo "================="
        echo "Time: $(date)"
        echo "Environment: Production"
        echo "Version: $(git rev-parse --short HEAD)"
        echo "Strategy: Blue-Green"
        echo "Duration: 4.5 seconds"
        echo "Status: Success"
        echo "Downtime: 0 seconds"
        echo "Rollback Available: Yes"
    } > artifacts/deployment-record.txt

    log_success "🎉 Deployment complete (celebrations commence)"
}

# Post-deployment validation
post_deploy() {
    log_info "✅ Validating post-deployment state (validating that validation worked)..."

    # Mock post-deployment checks
    log_info "Verifying service health..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking data consistency..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Validating user access..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Testing critical functionality..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Monitoring performance metrics..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_info "Checking error rates..."
    sleep 0.5

    log_success "🎯 Post-deployment validation successful (system is deployed, probably)"
}

# Celebration function
celebrate() {
    log_info "🎉 Initiating celebration sequence..."

    case $CELEBRATION_MODE in
        "minimal")
            echo "🎉 Build successful!"
            ;;
        "standard")
            echo ""
            echo "🎉🎊🎉 BUILD SUCCESSFUL! 🎉🎊🎉"
            echo "Pipeline completed successfully!"
            echo ""
            ;;
        "full")
            # ASCII art celebration
            echo ""
            echo "🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉"
            echo "🎊                                          🎊"
            echo "🎉     BUILD SUCCESSFUL! AMAZING WORK!     🎉"
            echo "🎊                                          🎊"
            echo "🎉    Your over-engineered pipeline works!   🎉"
            echo "🎊                                          🎊"
            echo "🎉     🚀 PIPELINE MASTER 🚀               🎉"
            echo "🎊                                          🎊"
            echo "🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉"
            echo ""
            echo "🎯 Pipeline Statistics:"
            echo "   - Total Stages: 30+"
            echo "   - Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL"
            echo "   - Entertainment Value: Maximum"
            echo "   - Professionalism: Maintained"
            echo ""
            echo "🎪 Remember: This is satire, but the skills are real!"
            echo ""
            ;;
    esac

    log_success "🎊 Celebration complete! The chaos has been worth it!"
}

# Generate chaos report
generate_report() {
    log_info "📊 Generating chaos report..."

    mkdir -p reports

    # Create HTML report
    cat > reports/chaos-report.html << 'EOF'
<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
    <meta charset="UTF-8">
    <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
    <title>CI/CD Chaos Pipeline Report</title>
    <style>
        body { font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 40px; background: linear-gradient(135deg, #667eea 0%, #764ba2 100%); color: white; }
        .container { max-width: 800px; margin: 0 auto; background: rgba(255,255,255,0.1); padding: 30px; border-radius: 15px; backdrop-filter: blur(10px); }
        h1 { text-align: center; color: #fff; text-shadow: 2px 2px 4px rgba(0,0,0,0.5); }
        .metric { background: rgba(255,255,255,0.2); padding: 15px; margin: 10px 0; border-radius: 8px; }
        .success { color: #4ade80; }
        .warning { color: #fbbf24; }
        .chaos { color: #f87171; }
        footer { text-align: center; margin-top: 30px; font-size: 14px; opacity: 0.8; }
    </style>
</head>
<body>
    <div class="container">
        <h1>🎪 CI/CD Chaos Pipeline Report</h1>

        <div class="metric">
            <h3>🎯 Pipeline Summary</h3>
            <p>This pipeline demonstrates professional CI/CD skills while satirizing over-engineering practices in DevOps.</p>
        </div>

        <div class="metric">
            <h3>📊 Key Metrics</h3>
            <ul>
                <li>Total Pipeline Stages: 30+</li>
                <li>Build Time: Excessive (by design)</li>
                <li>Complexity Level: Maximum</li>
                <li>Entertainment Value: High</li>
                <li>Professional Implementation: 100%</li>
            </ul>
        </div>

        <div class="metric">
            <h3>🎭 Satirical Features</h3>
            <ul>
                <li>Over-engineered validation stages</li>
                <li>Random build failures with humor</li>
                <li>Developer challenge system</li>
                <li>Excessive monitoring setup</li>
                <li>Imaginary compliance checks</li>
                <li>ASCII art celebrations</li>
            </ul>
        </div>

        <div class="metric">
            <h3>🛠️ Professional Elements</h3>
            <ul>
                <li>Real GitLab CI/CD implementation</li>
                <li>Proper pipeline structure</li>
                <li>Artifact management</li>
                <li>Security scanning concepts</li>
                <li>Deployment strategies</li>
                <li>Monitoring and observability</li>
            </ul>
        </div>

        <div class="metric">
            <h3>🎓 Educational Value</h3>
            <p>This project showcases understanding of:</p>
            <ul>
                <li>CI/CD pipeline design principles</li>
                <li>Infrastructure as Code</li>
                <li>DevOps best practices</li>
                <li>Security in pipelines</li>
                <li>Monitoring and observability</li>
                <li>The importance of simplicity</li>
            </ul>
        </div>

        <div class="metric chaos">
            <h3>⚠️ Disclaimer</h3>
            <p>This is a satirical project demonstrating CI/CD concepts through humor. While the implementation is professional and follows best practices, the excessive complexity is intentional for entertainment and educational purposes.</p>
        </div>

        <footer>
            <p>Generated by CI/CD Chaos Engine | Built with professional standards and a sense of humor</p>
        </footer>
    </div>
</body>
</html>
EOF

    # Create XML report for GitLab
    cat > reports/final-report.xml << EOF
<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<testsuites>
    <testsuite name="CI/CD Chaos Pipeline" tests="30" failures="0" errors="0" time="300">
        <testcase name="Pre-flight Checks" classname="Phase1" time="10"/>
        <testcase name="Environment Validation" classname="Phase1" time="8"/>
        <testcase name="Dependency Verification" classname="Phase1" time="12"/>
        <testcase name="Code Formatting" classname="Phase1" time="6"/>
        <testcase name="License Compliance" classname="Phase1" time="9"/>
        <testcase name="Security Scanning" classname="Phase1" time="15"/>
        <testcase name="Performance Analysis" classname="Phase1" time="7"/>
        <testcase name="Quality Gate" classname="Phase1" time="11"/>
        <testcase name="Readiness Check" classname="Phase1" time="8"/>
        <testcase name="Build Preparation" classname="Phase2" time="10"/>
        <testcase name="Build Optimization" classname="Phase2" time="12"/>
        <testcase name="Artifact Generation" classname="Phase2" time="5"/>
        <testcase name="Quality Assurance" classname="Phase2" time="14"/>
        <testcase name="Integration Testing" classname="Phase2" time="16"/>
        <testcase name="Performance Benchmarking" classname="Phase2" time="9"/>
        <testcase name="Security Validation" classname="Phase2" time="11"/>
        <testcase name="Compliance Checking" classname="Phase2" time="13"/>
        <testcase name="Documentation Generation" classname="Phase2" time="8"/>
        <testcase name="Deployment Preparation" classname="Phase2" time="7"/>
        <testcase name="Rollback Testing" classname="Phase2" time="10"/>
        <testcase name="Health Verification" classname="Phase2" time="6"/>
        <testcase name="Environment Preparation" classname="Phase3" time="12"/>
        <testcase name="Service Orchestration" classname="Phase3" time="15"/>
        <testcase name="Load Balancing" classname="Phase3" time="9"/>
        <testcase name="Monitoring Setup" classname="Phase3" time="11"/>
        <testcase name="Alert Configuration" classname="Phase3" time="8"/>
        <testcase name="Health Checks" classname="Phase3" time="7"/>
        <testcase name="Performance Validation" classname="Phase3" time="10"/>
        <testcase name="User Acceptance Testing" classname="Phase3" time="14"/>
        <testcase name="Production Deployment" classname="Phase3" time="20"/>
        <testcase name="Post-deployment Validation" classname="Phase3" time="8"/>
    </testsuite>
</testsuites>
EOF

    log_success "📋 Chaos report complete. Your pipeline has been successfully over-engineered!"
}

# Main function - route to appropriate action
case "${1:-}" in
    "pre-flight")
        pre_flight
        ;;
    "validate-environment")
        validate_environment
        ;;
    "verify-dependencies")
        verify_dependencies
        ;;
    "format-check")
        format_check
        ;;
    "license-check")
        license_check
        ;;
    "security-scan")
        security_scan
        ;;
    "performance-analysis")
        performance_analysis
        ;;
    "quality-gate")
        quality_gate
        ;;
    "readiness-check")
        readiness_check
        ;;
    "build-prep")
        build_prep
        ;;
    "optimize-build")
        optimize_build
        ;;
    "generate-artifacts")
        generate_artifacts
        ;;
    "quality-assurance")
        quality_assurance
        ;;
    "integration-tests")
        integration_tests
        ;;
    "benchmark")
        benchmark
        ;;
    "security-validation")
        security_validation
        ;;
    "compliance-check")
        compliance_check
        ;;
    "generate-docs")
        generate_docs
        ;;
    "deploy-prep")
        deploy_prep
        ;;
    "rollback-test")
        rollback_test
        ;;
    "health-check")
        health_check
        ;;
    "env-prep")
        env_prep
        ;;
    "orchestrate")
        orchestrate
        ;;
    "load-balance")
        load_balance
        ;;
    "monitoring")
        monitoring
        ;;
    "alerts")
        alerts
        ;;
    "health-checks")
        health_checks
        ;;
    "perf-validate")
        perf_validate
        ;;
    "uat")
        uat
        ;;
    "deploy-prod")
        deploy_prod
        ;;
    "post-deploy")
        post_deploy
        ;;
    "celebrate")
        celebrate
        ;;
    "report")
        generate_report
        ;;
    *)
        echo "Usage: $0 {pre-flight|validate-environment|verify-dependencies|format-check|license-check|security-scan|performance-analysis|quality-gate|readiness-check|build-prep|optimize-build|generate-artifacts|quality-assurance|integration-tests|benchmark|security-validation|compliance-check|generate-docs|deploy-prep|rollback-test|health-check|env-prep|orchestrate|load-balance|monitoring|alerts|health-checks|perf-validate|uat|deploy-prod|post-deploy|celebrate|report}"
        echo ""
        echo "CI/CD Chaos Engine - Professional DevOps with a sense of humor"
        echo "Each command represents an over-engineered pipeline stage."
        exit 1
        ;;
esac