1386 lines
42 KiB
Bash
Executable File
1386 lines
42 KiB
Bash
Executable File
#!/bin/bash
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# CI/CD Chaos Engine - The heart of the over-engineered pipeline
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# This script orchestrates the chaos while maintaining professional standards
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set -euo pipefail
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# Configuration
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CHAOS_LEVEL=${CI_CHAOS_LEVEL:-5}
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ROAST_INTENSITY=${ROAST_INTENSITY:-7}
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CELEBRATION_MODE=${CELEBRATION_MODE:-full}
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DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE=${DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE:-true}
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# Colors for output
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RED='\033[0;31m'
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GREEN='\033[0;32m'
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YELLOW='\033[1;33m'
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BLUE='\033[0;34m'
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PURPLE='\033[0;35m'
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CYAN='\033[0;36m'
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NC='\033[0m' # No Color
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# Helper functions
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log_info() {
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echo -e "${BLUE}[INFO]${NC} $1"
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}
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log_success() {
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echo -e "${GREEN}[SUCCESS]${NC} $1"
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}
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log_warning() {
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echo -e "${YELLOW}[WARNING]${NC} $1"
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}
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log_error() {
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echo -e "${RED}[ERROR]${NC} $1"
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}
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log_chaos() {
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echo -e "${PURPLE}[CHAOS]${NC} $1"
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}
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# Random failure generator (with witty messages)
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random_failure() {
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if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 8 ]]; then
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local FAILURE_CHANCE=$((RANDOM % 100))
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if [[ $FAILURE_CHANCE -lt 5 ]]; then
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local MESSAGES=(
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"Build failed because it's Monday"
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"System encountered cosmic radiation interference"
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"Coffee machine malfunction detected - build halted"
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"Developer detected typing without proper finger placement"
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"Build failed: Stack overflow in the 'it works on my machine' department"
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"Critical error: Developer forgot to sacrifice to the deployment gods"
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"Build aborted: Too many semicolons detected in codebase"
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"Error: System requires more cowbell"
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"Build failed: Git repository is haunted"
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"Critical: Developer used spaces instead of tabs (or vice versa)"
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)
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local RANDOM_MESSAGE=${MESSAGES[$((RANDOM % ${#MESSAGES[@]}))]}
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log_error "$RANDOM_MESSAGE"
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return 1
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fi
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fi
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return 0
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}
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# Developer challenge system
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developer_challenge() {
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if [[ "$DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE" == "true" ]]; then
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local CHALLENGE_CHANCE=$((RANDOM % 100))
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if [[ $CHALLENGE_CHANCE -lt 5 ]]; then
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log_chaos "🎮 DEVELOPER CHALLENGE ACTIVATED!"
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log_chaos "Quick! What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
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sleep 3
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log_chaos "Time's up! The answer is 24 mph (African) or 11 mph (European)"
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log_chaos "Challenge completed (or avoided, we're not judging)"
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fi
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fi
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}
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# Pre-flight checks
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pre-flight() {
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log_info "🛩️ Performing pre-flight validation..."
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# Check for obvious things that don't need checking
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if [[ ! -d ".git" ]]; then
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log_error "Critical: Not in a git repository (how did you get here?)"
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exit 1
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fi
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# Check for files that should exist
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local FILES_TO_CHECK=(".gitlab-ci.yml" "README.md")
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for file in "${FILES_TO_CHECK[@]}"; do
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if [[ ! -f "$file" ]]; then
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log_error "Missing critical file: $file"
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exit 1
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fi
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done
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# Perform unnecessary checks
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log_info "Checking cosmic alignment for optimal build conditions..."
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sleep 1
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log_info "Verifying developer's emotional state..."
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sleep 1
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log_info "Ensuring coffee supply is adequate..."
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sleep 1
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random_failure
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log_success "✈️ Pre-flight checks completed (with unnecessary thoroughness)"
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}
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# Environment validation
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validate_environment() {
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log_info "🌍 Validating build environment..."
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# Check basic tools
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local REQUIRED_COMMANDS=("git" "bash" "curl")
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for cmd in "${REQUIRED_COMMANDS[@]}"; do
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if ! command -v "$cmd" &> /dev/null; then
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log_error "Missing required command: $cmd"
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exit 1
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fi
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done
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# Perform over-the-top environment checks
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log_info "Checking environment variables (including ones that don't matter)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Verifying internet connectivity (to servers we don't need)..."
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if curl -s --max-time 2 https://httpbin.org/ip > /dev/null; then
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log_success "Internet connectivity verified (and now we know your IP)"
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else
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log_warning "Internet connectivity issues (but we'll proceed anyway)"
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fi
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log_info "Checking disk space (we have plenty, but let's check anyway)..."
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df -h . | tail -1 | awk '{print "Available space: " $4}'
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developer_challenge
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random_failure
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log_success "🏔️ Environment validated (excessively)"
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}
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# Dependency verification
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verify_dependencies() {
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log_info "📦 Verifying dependencies (triple-checking each one)..."
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# Create a list of imaginary dependencies to check
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local IMAGINARY_DEPS=("libnonsense.so" "utils-overkill" "chaos-engine" "validation-suite-pro")
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for dep in "${IMAGINARY_DEPS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Checking dependency: $dep"
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sleep 0.3
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log_info "Version compatibility check for $dep"
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sleep 0.3
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log_info "Security audit of $dep"
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sleep 0.3
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log_info "License verification for $dep"
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sleep 0.3
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log_success "✓ $dep verified (it doesn't exist, but we verified that)"
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done
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random_failure
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log_success "🎁 Dependencies verified and re-verified"
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}
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# Code formatting checks
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format_check() {
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log_info "🎨 Checking code formatting (with excessive rules)..."
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# Check for common formatting issues
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local FORMATTING_ISSUES=0
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if find . -name "*.sh" -exec grep -l "tab" {} \; | grep -q "."; then
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log_warning "Tabs detected in shell scripts (consider spaces, or tabs, or whatever)"
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FORMATTING_ISSUES=$((FORMATTING_ISSUES + 1))
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fi
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if find . -name "*.yml" -exec grep -l " " {} \; | grep -q "."; then
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log_warning "Multiple spaces detected in YAML files (as expected, but let's mention it)"
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FORMATTING_ISSUES=$((FORMATTING_ISSUES + 1))
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fi
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# Perform excessive formatting checks
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log_info "Checking line length (even for comments)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Verifying bracket alignment (even where brackets don't exist)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Analyzing indentation consistency (across different file types)..."
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sleep 0.5
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if [[ $FORMATTING_ISSUES -eq 0 ]]; then
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log_success "✨ Code formatted to perfection (and then some)"
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else
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log_warning "Found $FORMATTING_ISSUES formatting issues (proceeding anyway)"
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fi
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random_failure
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}
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# License compliance check
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license_check() {
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log_info "⚖️ Checking license compliance (analyzing every line)..."
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# Check for LICENSE file
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if [[ ! -f "LICENSE" ]] && [[ ! -f "LICENSE.md" ]] && [[ ! -f "LICENSE.txt" ]]; then
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log_warning "No LICENSE file found (creating one would be responsible)"
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fi
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# Perform excessive license analysis
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log_info "Scanning for MIT license text..."
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if grep -r -i "MIT" . --include="*.md" --include="*.txt" > /dev/null 2>&1; then
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log_info "MIT license references found"
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fi
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log_info "Checking for proprietary code patterns..."
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sleep 1
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log_info "Analyzing third-party library licenses..."
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sleep 1
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log_info "Verifying copyright headers (even in files that don't need them)..."
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sleep 1
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log_success "📜 License compliance achieved through excessive scrutiny"
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}
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# Security scanning
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security_scan() {
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log_info "🔒 Running security scans (looking for imaginary threats)..."
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# Perform mock security checks
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log_info "Scanning for hardcoded credentials (in files that don't exist)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Checking for SQL injection vulnerabilities (in non-database code)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Analyzing XSS vulnerabilities (in non-web code)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Verifying input validation (for inputs we don't have)..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Checking for insecure dependencies (that we don't use)..."
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sleep 0.5
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# Generate some false positives for entertainment
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local FALSE_POSITIVES=(
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"Potential buffer overflow in comment section"
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"Insecure cookie handling detected in README"
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"Possible path traversal in documentation"
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"Weak encryption algorithm found in ASCII art"
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)
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if [[ $ROAST_INTENSITY -ge 6 ]]; then
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local RANDOM_FP=${FALSE_POSITIVES[$((RANDOM % ${#FALSE_POSITIVES[@]}))]}
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log_warning "Security finding: $RANDOM_FP"
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log_info "This is probably a false positive, but we logged it anyway"
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fi
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log_success "🛡️ Security scan completed (found 0 vulnerabilities, created $(if [[ $ROAST_INTENSITY -ge 6 ]]; then echo "1"; else echo "0"; fi) false positives)"
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}
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# Performance analysis
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performance_analysis() {
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log_info "⚡ Analyzing performance (of files that don't exist)..."
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# Mock performance metrics
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log_info "Measuring build time..."
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sleep 1
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log_info "Build time: 0.3 seconds (impressive for a pipeline that does nothing)"
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log_info "Analyzing memory usage..."
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log_info "Memory usage: 12KB (for this script alone)"
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log_info "Checking CPU utilization..."
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log_info "CPU usage: 0.1% (mostly sleeping)"
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log_info "Measuring disk I/O..."
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log_info "Disk I/O: Minimal (reading files, writing logs)"
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log_info "Network latency analysis..."
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log_info "Network latency: Local operations only"
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log_success "📈 Performance metrics generated with imaginary data"
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}
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# Quality gate validation
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quality_gate() {
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log_info "🚪 Validating quality gates (with arbitrary standards)..."
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# Mock quality metrics
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local METRICS=(
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"Code coverage: 95% (of the 3 lines of actual code)"
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"Test success rate: 100% (we have no tests, so 100% of nothing passes)"
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"Code complexity: Low (the code is simple, the pipeline is complex)"
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"Documentation coverage: 100% (we have a README)"
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"Security score: 9.5/10 (we scan thoroughly)"
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)
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for metric in "${METRICS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Quality metric: $metric"
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sleep 0.3
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done
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# Randomly adjust quality gates for entertainment
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if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]]; then
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local QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT=$((RANDOM % 3))
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case $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT in
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0)
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log_warning "Quality gates slightly lowered (because we felt like it)"
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;;
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1)
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log_info "Quality gates maintained at strict levels (because we're professionals)"
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;;
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2)
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log_chaos "Quality gates raised to impossible levels (good luck meeting them)"
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;;
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esac
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fi
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log_success "🎯 Quality gates passed (after $(if [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]] && [[ $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT -eq 0 ]]; then echo "lowering "; elif [[ $CHAOS_LEVEL -ge 7 ]] && [[ $QUALITY_ADJUSTMENT -eq 2 ]]; then echo "raising standards to meet "; fi)standards)"
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}
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# Readiness check
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readiness_check() {
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log_info "📋 Performing readiness assessment..."
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# Check various readiness factors
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local READINESS_CHECKS=(
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"Development team readiness"
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"Infrastructure capacity"
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"Monitoring system availability"
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"Rollback procedure verification"
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"Stakeholder communication"
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"Coffee supply verification"
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"Emergency contact list"
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"Backup internet connection"
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"Deployment checklist completion"
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"Psychological readiness for deployment"
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)
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for check in "${READINESS_CHECKS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Checking: $check"
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sleep 0.2
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log_success "✓ $check: Ready (probably)"
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done
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developer_challenge
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random_failure
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log_success "✅ System declared ready (whether it is or not)"
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}
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# Build preparation
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build_prep() {
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log_info "🔧 Preparing build environment (overly prepared)..."
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# Create build directories
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mkdir -p build artifacts reports
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# Prepare build artifacts
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log_info "Setting up build cache..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Configuring build environment variables..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Initializing build dependencies..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Pre-compiling build tools..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Validating build configuration..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_info "Optimizing build parameters..."
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sleep 0.5
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log_success "🎯 Build environment prepared (excessively)"
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}
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# Build optimization
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optimize_build() {
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log_info "🔬 Optimizing compilation (optimizing the optimization)..."
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# Mock build optimization steps
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local OPTIMIZATIONS=(
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"Analyzing compilation flags"
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"Optimizing linker settings"
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"Tuning memory allocation"
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"Parallelizing build processes"
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"Caching intermediate results"
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"Optimizing include paths"
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"Tuning compiler optimizations"
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"Analyzing dependency graph"
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"Optimizing build order"
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"Implementing incremental builds"
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)
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for optimization in "${OPTIMIZATIONS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Performing: $optimization"
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sleep 0.3
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done
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# Generate some mock build artifacts
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echo "Over-optimized build artifacts" > build/optimized.txt
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echo "Build time: 0.0001 seconds (theoretical)" >> build/optimized.txt
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echo "Memory usage: 4KB (unrealistic)" >> build/optimized.txt
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log_success "🚀 Build optimized (probably made it slower)"
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}
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# Artifact generation
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generate_artifacts() {
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log_info "📦 Generating artifacts (creating unnecessary ones)..."
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# Create various artifacts
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echo "Version: $(date +%Y%m%d-%H%M%S)" > artifacts/version.txt
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echo "Build ID: $CI_PIPELINE_ID" >> artifacts/version.txt
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echo "Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL" >> artifacts/version.txt
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# Create a build summary
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{
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echo "=== CI/CD Chaos Build Summary ==="
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echo "Pipeline ID: $CI_PIPELINE_ID"
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echo "Build Time: $(date)"
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echo "Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL"
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echo "Roast Intensity: $ROAST_INTENSITY"
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echo "Celebration Mode: $CELEBRATION_MODE"
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echo "Developer Challenge: $DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE"
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echo "Build Status: Successful (somehow)"
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echo "================================"
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} > artifacts/build-summary.txt
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# Create some imaginary artifacts
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echo "Mock application binary" > artifacts/app.bin
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echo "Configuration files" > artifacts/config.tar.gz
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echo "Documentation bundle" > artifacts/docs.zip
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log_success "🎁 Artifacts generated (including ones nobody asked for)"
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}
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# Quality assurance
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quality_assurance() {
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log_info "🔍 Running quality assurance (finding problems where none exist)..."
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# Mock quality checks
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local QUALITY_CHECKS=(
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"Code review simulation"
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"Static code analysis"
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"Dynamic code analysis"
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"Security assessment"
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"Performance evaluation"
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"Usability testing"
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"Accessibility checking"
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"Cross-browser compatibility"
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"Mobile responsiveness"
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"SEO optimization"
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)
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for check in "${QUALITY_CHECKS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Running: $check"
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sleep 0.3
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done
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# Generate quality report
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{
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echo "Quality Assurance Report"
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echo "========================="
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echo "Overall Quality Score: 9.2/10"
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echo "Issues Found: 0 (we looked really hard)"
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echo "Recommendations: Keep doing what you're doing"
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echo "Next Review: Never (because it's perfect)"
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} > reports/quality-report.txt
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log_success "✅ Quality assured (quality level: questionable)"
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}
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# Integration tests
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integration_tests() {
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log_info "🔗 Running integration tests (testing the tests)..."
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# Mock integration tests
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local TESTS=(
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"API Integration Tests"
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"Database Integration Tests"
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"Service Integration Tests"
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"Message Queue Integration Tests"
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"Cache Integration Tests"
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"Authentication Integration Tests"
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"Logging Integration Tests"
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"Monitoring Integration Tests"
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"External Service Integration Tests"
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"Third-party API Integration Tests"
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)
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for test in "${TESTS[@]}"; do
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log_info "Running: $test"
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sleep 0.4
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log_success "✓ $test: Passed (mocked)"
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done
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# Generate test report
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{
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echo "Integration Test Results"
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echo "======================="
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echo "Total Tests: ${#TESTS[@]}"
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echo "Passed: ${#TESTS[@]}"
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echo "Failed: 0"
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echo "Skipped: 0"
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echo "Test Coverage: 100% (of mocked tests)"
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echo "Execution Time: $((RANDOM % 5 + 1)) seconds"
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} > reports/integration-tests.xml
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log_success "🎯 Integration tests passed (eventually)"
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}
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# Performance benchmarking
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benchmark() {
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log_info "⚡ Benchmarking performance (against imaginary standards)..."
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# Mock performance benchmarks
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local BENCHMARKS=(
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"Response Time: 50ms (theoretical)"
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"Throughput: 1000 req/s (imaginary)"
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"Memory Usage: 64MB (estimated)"
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"CPU Usage: 15% (under load)"
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"Disk I/O: 100MB/s (assumed)"
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"Network Latency: 5ms (local)"
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"Database Queries: 100ms (cached)"
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"Cache Hit Rate: 95% (optimistic)"
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"Error Rate: 0.01% (perfect)"
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"Uptime: 99.999% (five nines, baby)"
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)
|
|
|
|
for benchmark in "${BENCHMARKS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Benchmark: $benchmark"
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
# Generate benchmark report
|
|
{
|
|
echo "Performance Benchmark Report"
|
|
echo "=========================="
|
|
for benchmark in "${BENCHMARKS[@]}"; do
|
|
echo "$benchmark"
|
|
done
|
|
} > reports/benchmarks.txt
|
|
|
|
log_success "📊 Benchmarks completed (results may vary)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Security validation
|
|
security_validation() {
|
|
log_info "🔒 Validating security (again, for good measure)..."
|
|
|
|
# Additional security checks
|
|
local SECURITY_CHECKS=(
|
|
"Penetration testing simulation"
|
|
"Vulnerability scanning"
|
|
"Code security review"
|
|
"Dependency security audit"
|
|
"Configuration security check"
|
|
"Network security validation"
|
|
"Access control verification"
|
|
"Data encryption validation"
|
|
"Authentication system check"
|
|
"Authorization system verification"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for check in "${SECURITY_CHECKS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Security check: $check"
|
|
sleep 0.3
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "🛡️ Security validated (still secure, probably)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Compliance checking
|
|
compliance_check() {
|
|
log_info "📋 Checking compliance (with made-up regulations)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock compliance checks
|
|
local COMPLIANCE_STANDARDS=(
|
|
"GDPR Compliance"
|
|
"SOC 2 Type II"
|
|
"ISO 27001"
|
|
"PCI DSS"
|
|
"HIPAA"
|
|
"SOX"
|
|
"FISMA"
|
|
"NIST Cybersecurity Framework"
|
|
"CIS Controls"
|
|
"OWASP Top 10"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for standard in "${COMPLIANCE_STANDARDS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Checking compliance with: $standard"
|
|
sleep 0.4
|
|
log_success "✓ $standard: Compliant (mocked)"
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "✅ Compliance achieved (compliance level: fictional)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Documentation generation
|
|
generate_docs() {
|
|
log_info "📚 Generating documentation (excessive documentation)..."
|
|
|
|
mkdir -p docs/generated
|
|
|
|
# Generate API documentation
|
|
{
|
|
echo "# API Documentation"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Endpoints"
|
|
echo "- GET /api/status - Returns system status"
|
|
echo "- POST /api/build - Triggers build process"
|
|
echo "- GET /api/metrics - Returns performance metrics"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Authentication"
|
|
echo "All endpoints require authentication with valid API key."
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Rate Limiting"
|
|
echo "100 requests per minute per API key."
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "*Note: This API doesn't actually exist, but the documentation looks professional*"
|
|
} > docs/generated/api-docs.md
|
|
|
|
# Generate deployment guide
|
|
{
|
|
echo "# Deployment Guide"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Prerequisites"
|
|
echo "- GitLab account"
|
|
echo "- Basic CI/CD knowledge"
|
|
echo "- Sense of humor"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Deployment Steps"
|
|
echo "1. Push code to repository"
|
|
echo "2. Wait for pipeline to complete"
|
|
echo "3. Celebrate successful deployment"
|
|
echo "4. Question your life choices"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Rollback Procedure"
|
|
echo "1. Don't worry, it's just a demo"
|
|
echo "2. Restore from backup (if you had one)"
|
|
echo "3. Blame someone else"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "*Disclaimer: This is not a real deployment guide*"
|
|
} > docs/generated/deployment-guide.md
|
|
|
|
# Generate troubleshooting guide
|
|
{
|
|
echo "# Troubleshooting Guide"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "## Common Issues"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "### Build Failed"
|
|
echo "**Solution**: It's probably Monday, try again tomorrow."
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "### Pipeline Too Slow"
|
|
echo "**Solution**: That's the point! It's over-engineered!"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "### Too Many Warnings"
|
|
echo "**Solution**: We warned you about the warnings."
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "### Nothing Happened"
|
|
echo "**Solution**: Perfect! The chaos worked as intended."
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "*Professional troubleshooting for professional problems*"
|
|
} > docs/generated/troubleshooting.md
|
|
|
|
log_success "📖 Documentation generated (nobody will read it)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Deployment preparation
|
|
deploy_prep() {
|
|
log_info "🚀 Preparing deployment (over-preparing)..."
|
|
|
|
# Create deployment configuration
|
|
{
|
|
echo "deployment:"
|
|
echo " environment: production"
|
|
echo " strategy: blue-green"
|
|
echo " health_check:"
|
|
echo " path: /health"
|
|
echo " timeout: 30s"
|
|
echo " interval: 10s"
|
|
echo " rollback:"
|
|
echo " enabled: true"
|
|
echo " timeout: 300s"
|
|
echo " monitoring:"
|
|
echo " enabled: true"
|
|
echo " metrics:"
|
|
echo " - response_time"
|
|
echo " - error_rate"
|
|
echo " - throughput"
|
|
} > artifacts/deployment-config.yml
|
|
|
|
# Create deployment checklist
|
|
{
|
|
echo "Deployment Checklist"
|
|
echo "==================="
|
|
echo "✓ Environment prepared"
|
|
echo "✓ Configuration verified"
|
|
echo "✓ Health checks configured"
|
|
echo "✓ Monitoring enabled"
|
|
echo "✓ Rollback plan tested"
|
|
echo "✓ Team notified"
|
|
echo "✓ Coffee available"
|
|
echo "✓ Backup ready"
|
|
echo "✓ Sanity check passed"
|
|
echo "✓ Double-check completed"
|
|
} > artifacts/deployment-checklist.txt
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎯 Deployment prepared (excessively)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Rollback testing
|
|
rollback_test() {
|
|
log_info "↩️ Testing rollback capabilities (hoping we don't need them)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock rollback testing
|
|
log_info "Simulating deployment failure..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Initiating rollback procedure..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Restoring previous version..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Verifying rollback success..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Testing restored functionality..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
# Create rollback test report
|
|
{
|
|
echo "Rollback Test Results"
|
|
echo "====================="
|
|
echo "Test Time: $(date)"
|
|
echo "Scenario: Deployment failure simulation"
|
|
echo "Rollback Initiated: Yes"
|
|
echo "Rollback Completed: Yes"
|
|
echo "Time to Rollback: 4 seconds"
|
|
echo "Data Loss: None (because there was no data)"
|
|
echo "Service Downtime: Minimal (theoretical)"
|
|
echo "Rollback Success: 100%"
|
|
} > reports/rollback-test.txt
|
|
|
|
log_success "🔄 Rollback tested (and tested, and tested)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Health check
|
|
health_check() {
|
|
log_info "🏥 Verifying system health (checking vitals repeatedly)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock health checks
|
|
local HEALTH_METRICS=(
|
|
"CPU Usage: Normal (15%)"
|
|
"Memory Usage: Healthy (60%)"
|
|
"Disk Space: Adequate (75% free)"
|
|
"Network Latency: Excellent (5ms)"
|
|
"Database Connections: Stable"
|
|
"Cache Hit Rate: Good (85%)"
|
|
"Error Rate: Low (0.1%)"
|
|
"Response Time: Fast (100ms)"
|
|
"Uptime: Excellent (99.9%)"
|
|
"Throughput: Healthy"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for metric in "${HEALTH_METRICS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Health metric: $metric"
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "💖 System health verified (patient is stable)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Environment preparation
|
|
env_prep() {
|
|
log_info "🌍 Preparing deployment environment (overly complex setup)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock environment preparation
|
|
log_info "Configuring production environment..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up load balancers..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Configuring auto-scaling..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up monitoring..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Configuring logging..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up alerts..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Configuring backup systems..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up disaster recovery..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_success "🏝️ Environment prepared (like a 5-star resort)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Service orchestration
|
|
orchestrate() {
|
|
log_info "🎻 Orchestrating services (conducting an orchestra of microservices)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock service orchestration
|
|
local SERVICES=(
|
|
"api-gateway"
|
|
"user-service"
|
|
"product-service"
|
|
"order-service"
|
|
"payment-service"
|
|
"notification-service"
|
|
"analytics-service"
|
|
"logging-service"
|
|
"monitoring-service"
|
|
"cache-service"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for service in "${SERVICES[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Orchestrating service: $service"
|
|
sleep 0.3
|
|
log_info "Configuring $service..."
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
log_info "Scaling $service..."
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
log_info "Monitoring $service..."
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
log_success "✓ $service: Orchestrated"
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎼 Services orchestrated (beautifully, yet unnecessarily)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Load balancing
|
|
load_balance() {
|
|
log_info "⚖️ Setting up load balancing (balancing nothing)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock load balancer configuration
|
|
log_info "Configuring round-robin load balancing..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up health checks for load balancer..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Configuring SSL termination..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up sticky sessions..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Configuring connection limits..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Setting up failover routing..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_success "🏋️ Load balanced (perfectly balanced, as all things should be)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Monitoring setup
|
|
monitoring() {
|
|
log_info "📊 Setting up monitoring (monitoring everything, including the monitoring)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock monitoring setup
|
|
local METRICS=(
|
|
"CPU Usage"
|
|
"Memory Usage"
|
|
"Disk I/O"
|
|
"Network Traffic"
|
|
"Response Time"
|
|
"Error Rate"
|
|
"Throughput"
|
|
"Queue Length"
|
|
"Cache Hit Rate"
|
|
"Database Connections"
|
|
"Active Users"
|
|
"API Calls"
|
|
"Page Load Time"
|
|
"Server Uptime"
|
|
"Application Health"
|
|
"Business Metrics"
|
|
"User Satisfaction"
|
|
"Developer Happiness"
|
|
"Coffee Consumption"
|
|
"Monitoring System Health"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for metric in "${METRICS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Setting up monitoring for: $metric"
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "📈 Monitoring set up (we can now monitor how much we monitor)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Alert configuration
|
|
alerts() {
|
|
log_info "🚨 Configuring alerts (alerting on everything)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock alert configuration
|
|
local ALERTS=(
|
|
"High CPU Usage"
|
|
"Low Memory"
|
|
"Disk Space Warning"
|
|
"Network Latency"
|
|
"High Error Rate"
|
|
"Service Down"
|
|
"Database Slow"
|
|
"Cache Miss"
|
|
"Queue Full"
|
|
"Failed Login"
|
|
"Payment Failed"
|
|
"API Limit Reached"
|
|
"SSL Certificate Expiring"
|
|
"Backup Failed"
|
|
"Deployment Failed"
|
|
"Build Failed"
|
|
"Test Failed"
|
|
"Coffee Low"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for alert in "${ALERTS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Configuring alert for: $alert"
|
|
sleep 0.2
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "📢 Alerts configured (you will be notified of everything)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Health checks setup
|
|
health_checks() {
|
|
log_info "🏥 Setting up health checks (checking the health of health checks)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock health check setup
|
|
local HEALTH_CHECK_ENDPOINTS=(
|
|
"/health"
|
|
"/health/database"
|
|
"/health/cache"
|
|
"/health/external-services"
|
|
"/health/monitoring"
|
|
"/health/alerts"
|
|
"/health/backups"
|
|
"/health/deployments"
|
|
"/health/logging"
|
|
"/health/security"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for endpoint in "${HEALTH_CHECK_ENDPOINTS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Setting up health check endpoint: $endpoint"
|
|
sleep 0.3
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "❤️ Health checks configured (system is healthy, probably)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Performance validation
|
|
perf_validate() {
|
|
log_info "⚡ Validating performance (validating that performance validates)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock performance validation
|
|
log_info "Running performance baseline tests..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Validating response times..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Checking throughput metrics..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Validating resource utilization..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Checking scalability metrics..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Validating user experience metrics..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎯 Performance validated (performance is performing)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# User acceptance testing
|
|
uat() {
|
|
log_info "👥 Running user acceptance tests (testing with imaginary users)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock UAT scenarios
|
|
local UAT_SCENARIOS=(
|
|
"User Registration Flow"
|
|
"Login Authentication"
|
|
"Product Browsing"
|
|
"Shopping Cart Functionality"
|
|
"Checkout Process"
|
|
"Payment Processing"
|
|
"Order History"
|
|
"Profile Management"
|
|
"Search Functionality"
|
|
"Mobile Responsiveness"
|
|
)
|
|
|
|
for scenario in "${UAT_SCENARIOS[@]}"; do
|
|
log_info "Testing scenario: $scenario"
|
|
sleep 0.4
|
|
log_success "✓ $scenario: Passed (user satisfaction: 95%)"
|
|
done
|
|
|
|
log_success "✅ UAT completed (users were satisfied, allegedly)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Production deployment
|
|
deploy_prod() {
|
|
log_info "🚀 Deploying to production (with excessive ceremony)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock deployment process
|
|
log_info "Starting deployment sequence..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Running pre-deployment checks..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Deploying to blue environment..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Running post-deployment validation..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Switching traffic to new environment..."
|
|
sleep 1
|
|
|
|
log_info "Monitoring deployment health..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Deployment successful!"
|
|
|
|
# Create deployment record
|
|
{
|
|
echo "Deployment Record"
|
|
echo "================="
|
|
echo "Time: $(date)"
|
|
echo "Environment: Production"
|
|
echo "Version: $(git rev-parse --short HEAD)"
|
|
echo "Strategy: Blue-Green"
|
|
echo "Duration: 4.5 seconds"
|
|
echo "Status: Success"
|
|
echo "Downtime: 0 seconds"
|
|
echo "Rollback Available: Yes"
|
|
} > artifacts/deployment-record.txt
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎉 Deployment complete (celebrations commence)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Post-deployment validation
|
|
post_deploy() {
|
|
log_info "✅ Validating post-deployment state (validating that validation worked)..."
|
|
|
|
# Mock post-deployment checks
|
|
log_info "Verifying service health..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Checking data consistency..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Validating user access..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Testing critical functionality..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Monitoring performance metrics..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_info "Checking error rates..."
|
|
sleep 0.5
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎯 Post-deployment validation successful (system is deployed, probably)"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Celebration function
|
|
celebrate() {
|
|
log_info "🎉 Initiating celebration sequence..."
|
|
|
|
case $CELEBRATION_MODE in
|
|
"minimal")
|
|
echo "🎉 Build successful!"
|
|
;;
|
|
"standard")
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "🎉🎊🎉 BUILD SUCCESSFUL! 🎉🎊🎉"
|
|
echo "Pipeline completed successfully!"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
;;
|
|
"full")
|
|
# ASCII art celebration
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉"
|
|
echo "🎊 🎊"
|
|
echo "🎉 BUILD SUCCESSFUL! AMAZING WORK! 🎉"
|
|
echo "🎊 🎊"
|
|
echo "🎉 Your over-engineered pipeline works! 🎉"
|
|
echo "🎊 🎊"
|
|
echo "🎉 🚀 PIPELINE MASTER 🚀 🎉"
|
|
echo "🎊 🎊"
|
|
echo "🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "🎯 Pipeline Statistics:"
|
|
echo " - Total Stages: 30+"
|
|
echo " - Chaos Level: $CHAOS_LEVEL"
|
|
echo " - Entertainment Value: Maximum"
|
|
echo " - Professionalism: Maintained"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
echo "🎪 Remember: This is satire, but the skills are real!"
|
|
echo ""
|
|
;;
|
|
esac
|
|
|
|
log_success "🎊 Celebration complete! The chaos has been worth it!"
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
# Generate chaos report
|
|
generate_report() {
|
|
log_info "📊 Generating chaos report..."
|
|
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mkdir -p reports
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# Create HTML report
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cat > reports/chaos-report.html << 'EOF'
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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<meta charset="UTF-8">
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
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<title>CI/CD Chaos Pipeline Report</title>
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<style>
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body { font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin: 40px; background: linear-gradient(135deg, #667eea 0%, #764ba2 100%); color: white; }
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.container { max-width: 800px; margin: 0 auto; background: rgba(255,255,255,0.1); padding: 30px; border-radius: 15px; backdrop-filter: blur(10px); }
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h1 { text-align: center; color: #fff; text-shadow: 2px 2px 4px rgba(0,0,0,0.5); }
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.metric { background: rgba(255,255,255,0.2); padding: 15px; margin: 10px 0; border-radius: 8px; }
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.success { color: #4ade80; }
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.warning { color: #fbbf24; }
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.chaos { color: #f87171; }
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footer { text-align: center; margin-top: 30px; font-size: 14px; opacity: 0.8; }
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</style>
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</head>
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<body>
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<div class="container">
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<h1>🎪 CI/CD Chaos Pipeline Report</h1>
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<div class="metric">
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<h3>🎯 Pipeline Summary</h3>
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<p>This pipeline demonstrates professional CI/CD skills while satirizing over-engineering practices in DevOps.</p>
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</div>
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<div class="metric">
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<h3>📊 Key Metrics</h3>
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<ul>
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<li>Total Pipeline Stages: 30+</li>
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<li>Build Time: Excessive (by design)</li>
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<li>Complexity Level: Maximum</li>
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<li>Entertainment Value: High</li>
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<li>Professional Implementation: 100%</li>
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</ul>
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</div>
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<div class="metric">
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<h3>🎭 Satirical Features</h3>
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<ul>
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<li>Over-engineered validation stages</li>
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<li>Random build failures with humor</li>
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<li>Developer challenge system</li>
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<li>Excessive monitoring setup</li>
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<li>Imaginary compliance checks</li>
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<li>ASCII art celebrations</li>
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</ul>
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</div>
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<div class="metric">
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<h3>🛠️ Professional Elements</h3>
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<ul>
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<li>Real GitLab CI/CD implementation</li>
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<li>Proper pipeline structure</li>
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<li>Artifact management</li>
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<li>Security scanning concepts</li>
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<li>Deployment strategies</li>
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<li>Monitoring and observability</li>
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</ul>
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</div>
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<div class="metric">
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<h3>🎓 Educational Value</h3>
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<p>This project showcases understanding of:</p>
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<ul>
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<li>CI/CD pipeline design principles</li>
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<li>Infrastructure as Code</li>
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<li>DevOps best practices</li>
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<li>Security in pipelines</li>
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<li>Monitoring and observability</li>
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<li>The importance of simplicity</li>
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</ul>
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</div>
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<div class="metric chaos">
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<h3>⚠️ Disclaimer</h3>
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<p>This is a satirical project demonstrating CI/CD concepts through humor. While the implementation is professional and follows best practices, the excessive complexity is intentional for entertainment and educational purposes.</p>
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</div>
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<footer>
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<p>Generated by CI/CD Chaos Engine | Built with professional standards and a sense of humor</p>
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</footer>
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</div>
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</body>
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</html>
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EOF
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# Create XML report for GitLab
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cat > reports/final-report.xml << EOF
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
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<testsuites>
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<testsuite name="CI/CD Chaos Pipeline" tests="30" failures="0" errors="0" time="300">
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<testcase name="Pre-flight Checks" classname="Phase1" time="10"/>
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<testcase name="Environment Validation" classname="Phase1" time="8"/>
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<testcase name="Dependency Verification" classname="Phase1" time="12"/>
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<testcase name="Code Formatting" classname="Phase1" time="6"/>
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<testcase name="License Compliance" classname="Phase1" time="9"/>
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<testcase name="Security Scanning" classname="Phase1" time="15"/>
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<testcase name="Performance Analysis" classname="Phase1" time="7"/>
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<testcase name="Quality Gate" classname="Phase1" time="11"/>
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<testcase name="Readiness Check" classname="Phase1" time="8"/>
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<testcase name="Build Preparation" classname="Phase2" time="10"/>
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<testcase name="Build Optimization" classname="Phase2" time="12"/>
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<testcase name="Artifact Generation" classname="Phase2" time="5"/>
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<testcase name="Quality Assurance" classname="Phase2" time="14"/>
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<testcase name="Integration Testing" classname="Phase2" time="16"/>
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<testcase name="Performance Benchmarking" classname="Phase2" time="9"/>
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<testcase name="Security Validation" classname="Phase2" time="11"/>
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<testcase name="Compliance Checking" classname="Phase2" time="13"/>
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<testcase name="Documentation Generation" classname="Phase2" time="8"/>
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<testcase name="Deployment Preparation" classname="Phase2" time="7"/>
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<testcase name="Rollback Testing" classname="Phase2" time="10"/>
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<testcase name="Health Verification" classname="Phase2" time="6"/>
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<testcase name="Environment Preparation" classname="Phase3" time="12"/>
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<testcase name="Service Orchestration" classname="Phase3" time="15"/>
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<testcase name="Load Balancing" classname="Phase3" time="9"/>
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<testcase name="Monitoring Setup" classname="Phase3" time="11"/>
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<testcase name="Alert Configuration" classname="Phase3" time="8"/>
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<testcase name="Health Checks" classname="Phase3" time="7"/>
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<testcase name="Performance Validation" classname="Phase3" time="10"/>
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<testcase name="User Acceptance Testing" classname="Phase3" time="14"/>
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<testcase name="Production Deployment" classname="Phase3" time="20"/>
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<testcase name="Post-deployment Validation" classname="Phase3" time="8"/>
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</testsuite>
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</testsuites>
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EOF
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log_success "📋 Chaos report complete. Your pipeline has been successfully over-engineered!"
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}
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# Main function - route to appropriate action
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case "${1:-}" in
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"pre-flight")
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pre_flight
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;;
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"validate-environment")
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validate_environment
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;;
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"verify-dependencies")
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verify_dependencies
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;;
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"format-check")
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format_check
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;;
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"license-check")
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license_check
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;;
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"security-scan")
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security_scan
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;;
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"performance-analysis")
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performance_analysis
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;;
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"quality-gate")
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quality_gate
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;;
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"readiness-check")
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readiness_check
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;;
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"build-prep")
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build_prep
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;;
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"optimize-build")
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optimize_build
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;;
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"generate-artifacts")
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generate_artifacts
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;;
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"quality-assurance")
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quality_assurance
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;;
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"integration-tests")
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integration_tests
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;;
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"benchmark")
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benchmark
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;;
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"security-validation")
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security_validation
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;;
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"compliance-check")
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compliance_check
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;;
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"generate-docs")
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generate_docs
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;;
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"deploy-prep")
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deploy_prep
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;;
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"rollback-test")
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rollback_test
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;;
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"health-check")
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health_check
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;;
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"env-prep")
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env_prep
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;;
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"orchestrate")
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orchestrate
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;;
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"load-balance")
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load_balance
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;;
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"monitoring")
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monitoring
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;;
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"alerts")
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alerts
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;;
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"health-checks")
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health_checks
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;;
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"perf-validate")
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perf_validate
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;;
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"uat")
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uat
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;;
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"deploy-prod")
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deploy_prod
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;;
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"post-deploy")
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post_deploy
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;;
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"celebrate")
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celebrate
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;;
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"report")
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generate_report
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;;
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*)
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echo "Usage: $0 {pre-flight|validate-environment|verify-dependencies|format-check|license-check|security-scan|performance-analysis|quality-gate|readiness-check|build-prep|optimize-build|generate-artifacts|quality-assurance|integration-tests|benchmark|security-validation|compliance-check|generate-docs|deploy-prep|rollback-test|health-check|env-prep|orchestrate|load-balance|monitoring|alerts|health-checks|perf-validate|uat|deploy-prod|post-deploy|celebrate|report}"
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echo ""
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echo "CI/CD Chaos Engine - Professional DevOps with a sense of humor"
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echo "Each command represents an over-engineered pipeline stage."
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exit 1
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;;
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esac |