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.gitlab-ci.yml

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+# CI/CD Chaos - The Ultimate Overkill Pipeline
+# A deliberately over-engineered GitLab CI pipeline that satirizes DevOps practices
+# While demonstrating professional CI/CD implementation skills
+
+stages:
+  - phase-1-pre-flight-checks
+  - phase-1-environment-validation
+  - phase-1-dependency-verification
+  - phase-1-code-formatting
+  - phase-1-license-compliance
+  - phase-1-security-scanning
+  - phase-1-performance-analysis
+  - phase-1-quality-gate-validation
+  - phase-1-readiness-assessment
+  - phase-2-build-preparation
+  - phase-2-compilation-optimization
+  - phase-2-artifact-generation
+  - phase-2-quality-assurance
+  - phase-2-integration-testing
+  - phase-2-performance-benchmarking
+  - phase-2-security-validation
+  - phase-2-compliance-checking
+  - phase-2-documentation-generation
+  - phase-2-deployment-preparation
+  - phase-2-rollback-testing
+  - phase-2-health-verification
+  - phase-3-environment-preparation
+  - phase-3-service-orchestration
+  - phase-3-load-balancing
+  - phase-3-monitoring-setup
+  - phase-3-alert-configuration
+  - phase-3-health-checks
+  - phase-3-performance-validation
+  - phase-3-user-acceptance-testing
+  - phase-3-production-deployment
+  - phase-3-post-deployment-validation
+  - celebration
+  - chaos-report
+
+variables:
+  CI_CHAOS_LEVEL: 5
+  ROAST_INTENSITY: 7
+  CELEBRATION_MODE: "full"
+  DEVELOPER_CHALLENGE: "true"
+  PIPELINE_ENTROPY: "maximum"
+
+default:
+  before_script:
+    - echo "🎪 CI/CD Chaos Pipeline Initiated"
+    - echo "📊 Chaos Level: $CI_CHAOS_LEVEL"
+    - echo "🔥 Roast Intensity: $ROAST_INTENSITY"
+    - chmod +x scripts/*.sh
+
+# Phase 1: Over-Validation (8 stages of excessive checking)
+pre-flight-checks:
+  stage: phase-1-pre-flight-checks
+  script:
+    - echo "✈️ Performing pre-flight validation..."
+    - scripts/chaos-engine.sh pre-flight
+    - echo "🛩️ Pre-flight checks completed with unnecessary thoroughness"
+  artifacts:
+    reports:
+      junit: reports/pre-flight.xml
+    paths:
+      - reports/
+
+environment-validation:
+  stage: phase-1-environment-validation
+  script:
+    - echo "🌍 Validating build environment..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh validate-environment
+    - echo "🏔️ Environment validated (probably)"
+
+dependency-verification:
+  stage: phase-1-dependency-verification
+  script:
+    - echo "📦 Verifying dependencies (triple-checking each one)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh verify-dependencies
+    - echo "🎁 Dependencies verified and re-verified"
+
+code-formatting-checks:
+  stage: phase-1-code-formatting
+  script:
+    - echo "🎨 Checking code formatting (with excessive rules)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh format-check
+    - echo "✨ Code formatted to perfection (and then some)"
+
+license-compliance:
+  stage: phase-1-license-compliance
+  script:
+    - echo "⚖️ Checking license compliance (analyzing every line)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh license-check
+    - echo "📜 License compliance achieved through excessive scrutiny"
+
+security-scanning:
+  stage: phase-1-security-scanning
+  script:
+    - echo "🔒 Running security scans (looking for imaginary threats)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh security-scan
+    - echo "🛡️ Security scan completed (found 0 vulnerabilities, created 47 false positives)"
+
+performance-analysis:
+  stage: phase-1-performance-analysis
+  script:
+    - echo "⚡ Analyzing performance (of files that don't exist)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh performance-analysis
+    - echo "📈 Performance metrics generated with imaginary data"
+
+quality-gate-validation:
+  stage: phase-1-quality-gate-validation
+  script:
+    - echo "🚪 Validating quality gates (with arbitrary standards)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh quality-gate
+    - echo "🎯 Quality gates passed (after lowering standards)"
+
+readiness-assessment:
+  stage: phase-1-readiness-assessment
+  script:
+    - echo "📋 Performing readiness assessment..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh readiness-check
+    - echo "✅ System declared ready (whether it is or not)"
+
+# Phase 2: Build Optimization (12 stages of over-engineering)
+build-preparation:
+  stage: phase-2-build-preparation
+  script:
+    - echo "🔧 Preparing build environment (overly prepared)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh build-prep
+    - echo "🎯 Build environment prepared (excessively)"
+
+compilation-optimization:
+  stage: phase-2-compilation-optimization
+  script:
+    - echo "🔬 Optimizing compilation (optimizing the optimization)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh optimize-build
+    - echo "🚀 Build optimized (probably made it slower)"
+
+artifact-generation:
+  stage: phase-2-artifact-generation
+  script:
+    - echo "📦 Generating artifacts (creating unnecessary ones)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh generate-artifacts
+    - echo "🎁 Artifacts generated (including ones nobody asked for)"
+  artifacts:
+    paths:
+      - build/
+      - artifacts/
+
+quality-assurance:
+  stage: phase-2-quality-assurance
+  script:
+    - echo "🔍 Running quality assurance (finding problems where none exist)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh quality-assurance
+    - echo "✅ Quality assured (quality level: questionable)"
+
+integration-testing:
+  stage: phase-2-integration-testing
+  script:
+    - echo "🔗 Running integration tests (testing the tests)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh integration-tests
+    - echo "🎯 Integration tests passed (eventually)"
+
+performance-benchmarking:
+  stage: phase-2-performance-benchmarking
+  script:
+    - echo "⚡ Benchmarking performance (against imaginary standards)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh benchmark
+    - echo "📊 Benchmarks completed (results may vary)"
+
+security-validation:
+  stage: phase-2-security-validation
+  script:
+    - echo "🔒 Validating security (again, for good measure)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh security-validation
+    - echo "🛡️ Security validated (still secure, probably)"
+
+compliance-checking:
+  stage: phase-2-compliance-checking
+  script:
+    - echo "📋 Checking compliance (with made-up regulations)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh compliance-check
+    - echo "✅ Compliance achieved (compliance level: fictional)"
+
+documentation-generation:
+  stage: phase-2-documentation-generation
+  script:
+    - echo "📚 Generating documentation (excessive documentation)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh generate-docs
+    - echo "📖 Documentation generated (nobody will read it)"
+  artifacts:
+    paths:
+      - docs/
+
+deployment-preparation:
+  stage: phase-2-deployment-preparation
+  script:
+    - echo "🚀 Preparing deployment (over-preparing)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh deploy-prep
+    - echo "🎯 Deployment prepared (excessively)"
+
+rollback-testing:
+  stage: phase-2-rollback-testing
+  script:
+    - echo "↩️ Testing rollback capabilities (hoping we don't need them)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh rollback-test
+    - echo "🔄 Rollback tested (and tested, and tested)"
+
+health-verification:
+  stage: phase-2-health-verification
+  script:
+    - echo "🏥 Verifying system health (checking vitals repeatedly)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh health-check
+    - echo "💖 System health verified (patient is stable)"
+
+# Phase 3: Deployment Chaos (10+ stages of unnecessary complexity)
+environment-preparation:
+  stage: phase-3-environment-preparation
+  script:
+    - echo "🌍 Preparing deployment environment (overly complex setup)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh env-prep
+    - echo "🏝️ Environment prepared (like a 5-star resort)"
+
+service-orchestration:
+  stage: phase-3-service-orchestration
+  script:
+    - echo "🎻 Orchestrating services (conducting an orchestra of microservices)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh orchestrate
+    - echo "🎼 Services orchestrated (beautifully, yet unnecessarily)"
+
+load-balancing:
+  stage: phase-3-load-balancing
+  script:
+    - echo "⚖️ Setting up load balancing (balancing nothing)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh load-balance
+    - echo "🏋️ Load balanced (perfectly balanced, as all things should be)"
+
+monitoring-setup:
+  stage: phase-3-monitoring-setup
+  script:
+    - echo "📊 Setting up monitoring (monitoring everything, including the monitoring)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh monitoring
+    - echo "📈 Monitoring set up (we can now monitor how much we monitor)"
+
+alert-configuration:
+  stage: phase-3-alert-configuration
+  script:
+    - echo "🚨 Configuring alerts (alerting on everything)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh alerts
+    - echo "📢 Alerts configured (you will be notified of everything)"
+
+health-checks:
+  stage: phase-3-health-checks
+  script:
+    - echo "🏥 Setting up health checks (checking the health of health checks)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh health-checks
+    - echo "❤️ Health checks configured (system is healthy, probably)"
+
+performance-validation:
+  stage: phase-3-performance-validation
+  script:
+    - echo "⚡ Validating performance (validating that performance validates)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh perf-validate
+    - echo "🎯 Performance validated (performance is performing)"
+
+user-acceptance-testing:
+  stage: phase-3-user-acceptance-testing
+  script:
+    - echo "👥 Running user acceptance tests (testing with imaginary users)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh uat
+    - echo "✅ UAT completed (users were satisfied, allegedly)"
+
+production-deployment:
+  stage: phase-3-production-deployment
+  script:
+    - echo "🚀 Deploying to production (with excessive ceremony)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh deploy-prod
+    - echo "🎉 Deployment complete (celebrations commence)"
+  when: manual
+  allow_failure: false
+
+post-deployment-validation:
+  stage: phase-3-post-deployment-validation
+  script:
+    - echo "✅ Validating post-deployment state (validating that validation worked)..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh post-deploy
+    - echo "🎯 Post-deployment validation successful (system is deployed, probably)"
+
+# Celebration stage - ASCII art and humor
+celebration:
+  stage: celebration
+  script:
+    - echo "🎉 Initiating celebration sequence..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh celebrate
+    - echo "🎊 Pipeline complete! The chaos has been worth it!"
+  when: on_success
+  allow_failure: true
+
+# Chaos report generation
+chaos-report:
+  stage: chaos-report
+  script:
+    - echo "📊 Generating chaos report..."
+    - ./scripts/chaos-engine.sh report
+    - echo "📋 Chaos report complete. Your pipeline has been successfully over-engineered!"
+  artifacts:
+    paths:
+      - reports/chaos-report.html
+    reports:
+      junit: reports/final-report.xml
+  when: always
+  allow_failure: true
+
+# Include templates for different environments
+include:
+  - local: config/development.yml
+  - local: config/production.yml